Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Guilty Your honour......

I am guilty!

I have just broken the lapband law.......yes..I've had chocolate, not just once, but 2 days in a row!!!!!!!!!!!

Why oh why do I keep sabotaging my weight loss???

I have felt very minimal restriction the last few days, and I guess had a bit of PMS...but instead of having a bite size of chocolate...no...I had the whole thing....and then repeated this bad behaviour again today.....not sure whats going on with me...need to find out what's going on in my head, before I can control my weight properly...because I definitely wasn't eating for hunger reasons.

And for the sentence.......

Treadmill....here I come.....
Starting tomorrow.....Please do this for yourself......don't let yourself stay fat forever....being thinner is going to feel so much better than chocolate tastes!! Well this is what super skinny people say....

Goodnight bandits xx

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Well my little country town has had torrential rain the last couple of days....we are normally a very dry arid part of aus, but we actually have lots of green things growing at the moment....and its nice!

I have had a pretty depressing week at work.
My good friend and fellow nurse had her Mum die early this week...she had a massive stroke 2 weeks ago, and we had been nursing her since then....she was an elderly lady, who was more than ready to go...but I felt really sad for my friend and her family...can't imagine losing one of my parents...
There have been lots of cancer patients this year, and at the moment in our little hospital we have 4 patients that are terminal. It is so hard to deal with your emotions when you are a nurse, because you have to counsel these people and their significant others, and try to get them to some level of acceptance, and to help them deal with their emotions, grief, and pain. So many of the patients want to know what their death will be like, and are very fearful about dying. I talk to them about their fears, or things they want to achieve before they die, it usually makes me very teary  but I think its important for them to have someone to chat to about these taboo things. They often don't speak to their relatives about these, because they don't want to upset them. The significant others also need someone to chat to as well, because they are also trying to be strong, but are emotionally wrecked on the inside, as they come to terms with losing their loved one....It's huge!! I'm welling up with tears thinking about these patients and their families as I speak...its just unfair!
This morning I got a call to say that one of these patients had passed away. This particular lady was the cook at our hospital. She was also our friend. She was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma in march 2010...by this time it had already spread to numerous bones in her body....she tried chemo, which was unsuccessful...she has been in our hospital for the past 6 weeks, unable to even lift her arm without excruciating pain....we have had her pretty much sedated in a coma for the last week, because the pain was too unbearable, and traumatic for her family and staff to watch her be in pain....I really believe that euthanasia should be legal....I think every cancer patient I have nursed in my nursing career which is approx 16 years...that have had significant pain, have asked me to give them a lethal injection to make "it" end....of course I have never done anything like that...but God I've wanted to at times.....it is so cruel! Anyway our friend is now at rest, and pain free!

We also have another staff member , a nurse, who was also diagnosed with NHL in April....she had a tumour in her chest wall...she is still having treatment at the moment, and still has a long road ahead of her, but she seems to be responding to the treatment....so lets keep praying, and hoping!

So yeah, sorry to depress you all...but just needed to get rid of some of that bottled up emotions!!

Anyway, on a lighter note...I went to my friend's mother funeral yesterday, and she had a beautiful send off......I got home at 1.45am this morning, and I am so bloody hungover!! I drank chardy all night, but of course forgot to eat because I didn't get hungry...thanks bandy!  Will have to remember to eat someting substantial, but small before I go out next time...not good having all that alcohol with nothing to soak it up....anyway, at least the head spins have eased!! I get dreadful mother guilt the day after a night out....I feel like this horrendous mother, and I get very emotional. But because I'm so guilty, my house gets a good clean....not sure what all thats about....but if there's any psychologists out there you may be able to analyze my odd behaviour....
Anyway, had a fantastic night...I felt confident...but who doesn't after a couple of glasses of wine?? People are starting to comment about my weight loss....which made me fell freaking amazing!!

Hope next week will be a happier week at work...but I'm sure we will all be missing our friend for quite a while!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

First Fill

Well I haven't had any time to blog even though I really needed to over the last week, but anyway....I'm back!!

I went down for my first post-op check up with my surgeon yesterday. Which is a 450km trip each way...yes I live in a fairly remote town in NSW, the closest large centre is 300km away...but unfortunately they don't do lap bands at this stage....  I was really surprised that it didn't hurt at all to get my band fill!! I had lost 1 kg since my surgery date...which he seemed happy with...I wasn't so happy...but I keep telling myself at least it was a loss! He told me that he had to repair a huge hiatus hernia...which he informed me was the reason for feeling so bloody ordinary for the first 2 weeks, and explains why my shoulder pain was so horrendous!! He said I was in theatre for nearly an hour longer than he was expecting....anyway, its all good now! And I haven't had one episode of reflux since the op...I can throw those zantac (which I would take at least 3 a day) in the bin!!

I now have 3.5 mls in my band-and feeling no different! Not able to eat quite as much...which is good...but thought I would feel more restriction, or at least less hungry???

Think I really need to start doing some exercise to boost my metabolism....on night shift for the next 2 nights as we are extremely short staffed, so maybe when I get those done, I should get started....as I really want to be at least 10 kg lighter by xmas...surely this is achievable....I CAN do it!!

Two of my favourite people, who are my cousins, but more like sisters to me were home visiting their parents on the long weekend....they didn't notice that I had lost weight....well if they did, they didn't let on....anyway, for some strange reason, I just couldn't bring myself to tell them about my banding! How come I can tell everyone at work, and most of my friends...but I couldn't tell the 2 girls closest to me???? Weird! I also haven't told my Nanna, or my Aunts and Uncles...who I am also very close to.....am I scared that they won't love me anymore....nah!
I think its that I'm worried they will be disappointed?? They are very weight conscious...and have always worked hard to lose the  kgs they put on...I think they might think I'm lazy, or extreme! I feel embarrassed to tell them....not sure why because I believe I have made the right decision!
Just trying to get my head around it!

Anyway had a lovely long weekend catching up with my favourite people and getting lots of hugs off their gorgeous children! It was very busy, but nice!
Hope all the other bandits had a fun weekend too?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Breathe and Smile :)

This was my motto today to get me to 1. go to work, and 2. to survive my day...although my day was actually 300% better than yesterday....want to know why....because my boss wasn't there!! So didn't really need my motto to get No 2 done....haha...just re-read that sentence and it sounds like I'm talking about my bowel habits!

Yesterday I had a frantically busy day at work, so much so that the 3 nursing staff (including myself) had not even had a drink of water between the hrs of 7-12noon...and it didn't look as though we were going to get one for at least another hr...so I phoned my boss (who was around in her office probably flicking emails to me -AKA "delegating"....this boss by the way had come around to our tea room not once but twice between the hrs of 9-12...and had 2 nice cups of tea....yes I was a tad envious...as my tongue stuck to the top of my mouth) to come around to the ward and give us a hand, so that at least one of us could go and stop ourselves needing an IV drip later in the day! Well she came around, and demanded to know why I was so far behind in the work.....WTF....did she think I'd been sitting at the desk filing my nails......I was so pissed off....I just had to walk away...couldn't even answer her...maybe because my mouth was to dry???
The worst of it was that she made the 2 nurses and myself feel like incompetent fools....like we were unable to manage our time properly....

I'm really disappointed in myself because I didn't speak up, and tell her how hurt I was by her comments...I mean she could see how busy we were when she sat there drinking her cups of tea, reading the local newspaper!! I need to grow some balls, and become more assertive.....because at present I'm feeling very much passive aggressive towards this woman...I can feel my insides boiling.....
This is an ongoing problem, but I feel a tad intimidated by this person...even if she only weighs as much as one of my legs!

Anyway to end this whinge session... I went home and craved sugar...ate licorice, and then drank 3/4 bottle of wine.....but God I felt soooooo much better......yep...I'm an emotional eater/alcoholic!

Sorry for boring you all....but just needed to vent!! Just wondering though if I do decide to get brave and put my pics on here can I delete this post once published???

Monday, September 27, 2010

Work, Mr Mum, Pantene, and the unexpected aphrodisiac!!

Well survived my first day back at work post banding. After 10 mins, I felt like I had never been away...the bitching, moaning, and whinging had started......I often wonder ....am I really working with a bunch of 25-60 yr old women, or a bunch of year 8 school girls????? Believe me...they act like the later!!
Anyway, lucky the ward was busy, and they didn't get time for any further moaning/whinging for the morning!!

As I predicted, my eating was much more controlled today whilst I was at work. Optifast shake for morning tea, (didn't have time for breaky this am), salmon and tomato toasted sandwich for lunch,
and half a banana about 3pm.
Couldn't eat all of my roast chicken dinner that my hubby cooked tonight...so thats a good thing hey??
Did I mention that he has taken time off work to be Mr Mum during the school hols...so our kids don't have to be orphans for the hols!! ....He was actually supposed to be going to Sydney for a rugby boys trip, but used his savings to pay for my lap band op....yep...he's pretty bloody awesome....but don't worry he's not one of those sickly too good to be true guys...he definitely has bad qualities...I'm sure you will hear about these as my blog progresses.....but today, I'm lovin him silly cause I came home from work, and he had dinner organised...and the floors vacuumed (think that had something to with me telling him that us women find men with a vacuum an amazing aphrodisiac) ;)

Anyway...all up..it was a pretty good day...

Oh, by the way, lots of people at work looked me up and down (to check out my weight loss...I'm guessing) but only 1 person told me that I look great, and that she could really notice my weight loss....I then started wondering...did she just say that cause she knows I've had the band, and she felt obligated???? Anway, I'm feeling great...cause I can notice my uniforms feeling looser!! It may not happen over-night, but it will happen!

Good night my gorgeous fellow bloggers,
Thanks to all 3 of my followers....even though there may not be many of you...i love your comments, feedback, and support!
Sorry this post is a little all over the place...you might need to get used to it...its how my mind moves...x

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Stuffing my Anxiety till it bursts...

I think I have what you would call emotional eating...I'm obviously feeling a bit nervous/anxious about going back to work tomorrow-see my post HiHo HiHo, because I've been just eating myself silly today!!
I've managed to eat this today:-
Bacon and egg roll-and felt very uncomfortable after it!
2 pieces of rocky-road...actually 3 now
tub of passionfruit yoghurt
8 vitawheat crackers with vegemite
and its only 4.50pm!!

Stop me now! Lapband can you hear me?????

Although, as I'm re-reading this, I guess pre-lapband, I would have easily had double this amount on one of my naughty days....just disappointed in some of my choices today..
Wish my hubby would eat whats in his Darryl-Lea "Dad's bag"...so I won't!!



Shake me baby!!

 For 2 weeks post-op, and occasionally now, I get cravings for salt! I have never craved salt before in my life....and ate very little of the stuff. When I first came home from hospital, I couldn't tolerate optifast drinks, or anything sweet...so I drank lots of powerade, and I would suck vegemite off a teaspoon...don't know if it was the vitamin b, or the salt my body was craving. I was also licking the salt off those bbq flavoured rice crackers...weird hey? Did anyone else experience this??

Before my lapband I was having 2-3 coke zero or diet coke per day.....I love the stuff...it gives me a boost, and I feel full after having one. Well, I have attempted twice since being banded to have some. The first time was in week 2 post op, and I went to a girlfriends house for morning tea....she offered me a coke zero, and I accepted without even thinking about "the rules" ....anyway, after the first sip I developed that bloody shoulder tip pain, and it continued for the next 2 -3hrs!! Then by that afternoon, the top of my stomach had swollen/bloated, so much that I was really uncomfortable, and even my 13yr old son said "hey mum, whats the go with your tummy ...it looks weird!" Anyway, I began to panic, and 'phoned a friend' who was banded a couple of years ago...she advised me to steer clear of any carbonated drinks for a while. ...and to go to the hospital if it didn't subside...well eventually it went down, but I felt uncomfortable for a couple of days.

This is making my mouth water...just looking at this picture!!

2nd attempt was last Sunday, when we had my hubby's family around for a bbq lunch. I opened my coke zero early in the am...to try and make it go flat.....and didn't start drinking it until hrs later,but same thing happened...immediate shoulder pain....but abdo didn't swell as much....so forgot about the coke zero, and had a few glasses of white wine instead!! Which went straight to my head, and I was a giggling mess by 5pm that afternoon.

Maybe this will be really good for me, cause I will have to just drink water at work rather than my desired coke zero! Think of all those chemicals that my body won't be getting....chemicals that I was obviously quite addicted to.
Today I have been craving the stuff....and the sad thing is our "beer fridge" has a dedicated shelf for my coke zero...and its full at the moment!! Will I put myself through pain, and torture just to get a sip of the stuff............who knows???

I also really love beer...especially in the warmer weather...I haven't tried a beer yey, but I'm guessing a similar reaction would happen.....does this mean I will never be able to enjoy a nice icy cold beer again???
Please tell me that it will get better with time?

I haven't really craved anything else....just eating what I feel like, but small amounts, and trying to make healthy choices. I didn't think this band was restricting my eating at all, but the other night we made homemade hamburgers, and I could only eat 3/4 of it...should have probably stopped after 1/2, because then I ended up getting pain in my shoulder for an hour or so. Before banding I would have eaten 1 and a half burgers, sometimes 2 burgers easily, followed by dessert an hour later!! And I wondered how I got to be 128kg...LOL...I wonder ...doh! So obviously the band is working...think I will be lucky if I can eat a burger at all once I have a fill done!!
Would love to hear if fellow bandits have had cravings ??


Saturday, September 25, 2010

HiHO, Hi HO...

Well, I have had 3 weeks off work, and have to go back on Monday. I am feeling ambivalent feelings regarding returning to work.

Happiness:- because if I stay home any longer I will go crazy...I need to work to keep my sanity. I'm looking forward to seeing the girls that I work with...(well most of them). I also have more contolled eating behaviour when I work because I don't have time to get bored, and I tend to just strictly eat meals only without snacking.

Anxiety:- I'm feeling anxious because before I went off for my sick leave to have my op, I was close to burn-out....I was putting in 10hr days without lunch breaks (which explains why I did so well on my optifast diet LOL). I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole job, and feeling very unappreciated, and unheard by my boss. I'm relieving in a management position, and have had to bring in a lot of new changes over the past 3 months....and many of my staff are having a hard time adjusting, or are just feeling unhappy in general.
I'm hopeless at delegating, and therefore end up stressed and overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to get done.
I have 3months, and approx 10days to go in this position.....and then hopefully I can go back to being a great nurse, who doesn't have to think about rosters, reports, meetings, staffing levels, and trying to keep everyone happy! I can just worry about looking after my patients, and making them better!!

Nervous:- I'm feeling nervous about the reaction I will get from my colleagues. The staff all know that I have been banded, and most of them have been extremely supportive....but I feel like I've lost minimal amount of weight since the op.....I'm worried that they will be thinking that I have failed because I haven't lost an amazing amount of weight post-op....does this make sense??? I know that it is a slow process, but a couple of the other nurses have also been banded earlier in the year, and they came back to work looking awesome...you could really see the difference in them....they had to buy new uniforms! Although they did have 6-8 weeks off work post-op....
Yes, I know....we are all different....

Hopeful:- I'm feeling very hopeful, and positive that I am going to go back to work and be as calm on the inside as I am on the outside. I'm hopeful that I can learn to accept help from staff and to delegate when I am unable to cope with all of the work. I'm hopeful that I can be a great role model for my staff. I'm hoping I can learn to prioritise, and leave the not so important things for another time, and to prioritise ME and MY FAMILY before anything else...and to leave on time everyday...unless I need to help resuscitate somebody!

..........its off to work I go!!!

10 things I hate about........

.....being fat!

1. Self Esteem non-existant
2. No energy
3. not able to fit into a cinema seat without half squatting first then sliding my arse back, under the armrests to fit in there...once there unable to move until the movie is over, and people around me have left...and the whole time praying that there won't be an emergency evacuation for a fire etc, because if I tried to get up without sliding my bum forward first, I would be taking the whole row of seats with me carrying them on my saddle-bags!
4. Not being able to wear nice, normal sized, age appropriate clothes...although some shops are getting better eg citychic, dream diva etc
5. not being able to wear long boots in winter...I struggle to do up my ankle boots!
6. The obstacles I have to overcome just to cut my toenails.....first my massive boobs smothering me, then to get over my gut, and then to try and block out the lower back pain from doing this massive challenge...and to actually be able to see what I'm doing...its a wonder I have still got 10 toes! Anyway this is why I LOVE pedicures!!
7. Getting puffed out, and exhausted when I do something active with my kids.
8. Being unable to run- huge boobs, bad back, and unfit being the main contributors
9. Being nervous that I'll have to ask for an extension seat belt on flights...not had to do this yet...but last time I flew, I could only just get my belt done up, and was quite uncomfortable!
10. Not having many pics of myself with my children, as I don't like my photo being taken when I'm this overweight. I regret this...because you can't rewind time....and they often ask me when looking at photos "where were you mum?"
11. Feeling like I have no right to be in normal size shops, or beauty salons...I feel paranoid walking in there.
12. Not dancing when I want to deperately...because I don't want people to be traumatised by my wobbly bits.
13. My low libido...the more my weight goes up the lower my libido drops...
14. The guilt, disappointment, and depression that leads to the vicious cycle of binge eating, and putting on more weight.
15. Enduring hot, sweltering summers sitting on the side of the pool watching my kids swim, and feeling jealous of all the skinny mums, and also jealous of the not so skinny mums who had the guts to get in there with their kids and get cool, and have fun....

Now I know you all think I can't count but I just had to get those few other things down as well. Probably could think of another 10...but don't want to bore you all!

I've written this list not to sound like a miserable, sad sack......but to look back on when I have shed some more kilos...its so I can remind myself not to become complacent!!
It's also to see how much my life may change in the next year. I will review the list in a year, and see how many of them still exist. I will turn my whole life around to point in a positive direction, not just by losing weight, but by changing the way I think and feel!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My decision to get a lapband...and hopefully change my life on many levels.

Many people ask...why?

It took many factors to make my final decision to get a lapband. I had been secretly wanting to do this for approximately the last 2 yrs! It took me 18 months to broach the subject with my husband....I just didn't know how he would respond, because he has always told me that I'm beautiful...and still does. He tells me on a regular basis how much he loves me just the way I am. How could I tell him how much I hate myself ...well basically I just cried, and cried...and eventually blubbered it out, and told him about the lapband idea. His initial reaction was..."you definitely don't need to do that"....but then he disclosed to me that he knew that I haven't been truly happy for many years...and asked.."is it because of your weight"....he thought I had been falling out of love with him...OMG!! That poor guy hanging in there...through my emotional slide into weight induced depression. Anyway he agreed to come to an information session to find out about this procedure that may end up being a "miracle cure" for his wife's chronic unhappiness, and chronic low self esteem.
I was so bad at times that I would almost physically cringe when he paid me a compliment, or when he touched me...I felt unworthy of his love. I would cause an arguement over trivial shit-so that he wouldn't be nice to me! I soon realised that my weight issue was affecting my marriage in a big way...and lapband or not...I needed to deal with some of these negative emotions...otherwise one day that gorgeous husband of mine might not be there......a truly big wake up call!

Anyway, off we went to the info session.....the surgeon giving the talk went through different things that can be improved from losing weight...and the word "libido" came up after self esteem, heart health, diabetes, fitness, back pain etc...... I think my husband seen that one L word and didn't listen to another thing for the next hour......as soon as we walked out the door he said "you are ringing them tomorrow to book in!!" LOL! Well he is a male!
He has been so supportive through this process so far, he is amazing!  I know I've still got a very long way to go....but I think recognising my problems, and taking action is the first step to my new perspective on life!
So LOVE is a very big motivator.
My mother has told me from a very early age "that to love someone...you first need to learn to love yourself"....funny how I haven't worked out the meaning to that until now...am I slow or what? But from this day forward when my hubby gives me a compliment...I'm going to say "Thankyou" instead of "please don't..."
At this stage, I'm teary, feeling quite exposed, and drained...but you know what I feel kilos lighter for sharing that info that has been bottled up for the past 5-6 yrs...maybe more! I've never told anyone....so there it is reason 1 for getting a lapband!

Early Days.....

Hi !!
Well here I am... I'm still very much on my "L" plates with this blogging thing...so it could be interesting.

I had lap band surgery on the 3rd Sept, 2010. So I am 2 weeks and 5 days post op...and feeling much better than the first week when all I could think is OMG what have I done to myself???? Lots of shoulder pain, bloated and nauseated!! The pain killers they gave me to go home on made the nausea problem worse...so heat packs, and panadol became my new best friends! the shoulder pain was excruciatingly cruel and lasted until about day 6...I continue to get it occasionally now...but it usually only lasts a few minutes...and goes away spontaneously...thankGod! My gorgeous hubby kept reassuring me that it was only "early days" and that "it would be all worth it...just like our children were worth every contraction during labour" ...made me want to laugh...but my tummy was too sore...as if he could even imagine what a contraction was like....men!
I did the optifast diet for 3-4 weeks prior to surgery...and was ELATED when I had lost 12 kgs when they weighed me pre-op. However I haven't lost a gram since the op...Do I ask for a refund???hehe
Hoping that when I go back on the 6th October for my first adjustment that I will continue to shed some kgs. I have been able to eat normal foods for the past 5-6 days...definitely not the same amount...not that I've let myself try, as I'm petrified of stretching my new little pouch stomach above the band. But no probs with the eating!! Hunger is about the same....so guessing I just need to wait until adjustment....
Patience...its only early days!!

Starting weight 128kg on 28/07/10 at surgeon consult.
Todays weight 114kg-just weighed myself whilst doing this post...so if my scales are correct...I have actually lost 2kg since op...YeeHa...something has happened!!

My goal is to be 110kgs by October long weekend....not sure whether 4kgs can come off in 1.5 weeks...think I might be having myself on....but any loss will be good!