Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Guilty Your honour......

I am guilty!

I have just broken the lapband law.......yes..I've had chocolate, not just once, but 2 days in a row!!!!!!!!!!!

Why oh why do I keep sabotaging my weight loss???

I have felt very minimal restriction the last few days, and I guess had a bit of PMS...but instead of having a bite size of chocolate...no...I had the whole thing....and then repeated this bad behaviour again today.....not sure whats going on with me...need to find out what's going on in my head, before I can control my weight properly...because I definitely wasn't eating for hunger reasons.

And for the sentence.......

Treadmill....here I come.....
Starting tomorrow.....Please do this for yourself......don't let yourself stay fat forever....being thinner is going to feel so much better than chocolate tastes!! Well this is what super skinny people say....

Goodnight bandits xx

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Well my little country town has had torrential rain the last couple of days....we are normally a very dry arid part of aus, but we actually have lots of green things growing at the moment....and its nice!

I have had a pretty depressing week at work.
My good friend and fellow nurse had her Mum die early this week...she had a massive stroke 2 weeks ago, and we had been nursing her since then....she was an elderly lady, who was more than ready to go...but I felt really sad for my friend and her family...can't imagine losing one of my parents...
There have been lots of cancer patients this year, and at the moment in our little hospital we have 4 patients that are terminal. It is so hard to deal with your emotions when you are a nurse, because you have to counsel these people and their significant others, and try to get them to some level of acceptance, and to help them deal with their emotions, grief, and pain. So many of the patients want to know what their death will be like, and are very fearful about dying. I talk to them about their fears, or things they want to achieve before they die, it usually makes me very teary  but I think its important for them to have someone to chat to about these taboo things. They often don't speak to their relatives about these, because they don't want to upset them. The significant others also need someone to chat to as well, because they are also trying to be strong, but are emotionally wrecked on the inside, as they come to terms with losing their loved one....It's huge!! I'm welling up with tears thinking about these patients and their families as I speak...its just unfair!
This morning I got a call to say that one of these patients had passed away. This particular lady was the cook at our hospital. She was also our friend. She was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma in march 2010...by this time it had already spread to numerous bones in her body....she tried chemo, which was unsuccessful...she has been in our hospital for the past 6 weeks, unable to even lift her arm without excruciating pain....we have had her pretty much sedated in a coma for the last week, because the pain was too unbearable, and traumatic for her family and staff to watch her be in pain....I really believe that euthanasia should be legal....I think every cancer patient I have nursed in my nursing career which is approx 16 years...that have had significant pain, have asked me to give them a lethal injection to make "it" end....of course I have never done anything like that...but God I've wanted to at times.....it is so cruel! Anyway our friend is now at rest, and pain free!

We also have another staff member , a nurse, who was also diagnosed with NHL in April....she had a tumour in her chest wall...she is still having treatment at the moment, and still has a long road ahead of her, but she seems to be responding to the treatment....so lets keep praying, and hoping!

So yeah, sorry to depress you all...but just needed to get rid of some of that bottled up emotions!!

Anyway, on a lighter note...I went to my friend's mother funeral yesterday, and she had a beautiful send off......I got home at 1.45am this morning, and I am so bloody hungover!! I drank chardy all night, but of course forgot to eat because I didn't get hungry...thanks bandy!  Will have to remember to eat someting substantial, but small before I go out next time...not good having all that alcohol with nothing to soak it up....anyway, at least the head spins have eased!! I get dreadful mother guilt the day after a night out....I feel like this horrendous mother, and I get very emotional. But because I'm so guilty, my house gets a good clean....not sure what all thats about....but if there's any psychologists out there you may be able to analyze my odd behaviour....
Anyway, had a fantastic night...I felt confident...but who doesn't after a couple of glasses of wine?? People are starting to comment about my weight loss....which made me fell freaking amazing!!

Hope next week will be a happier week at work...but I'm sure we will all be missing our friend for quite a while!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

First Fill

Well I haven't had any time to blog even though I really needed to over the last week, but anyway....I'm back!!

I went down for my first post-op check up with my surgeon yesterday. Which is a 450km trip each way...yes I live in a fairly remote town in NSW, the closest large centre is 300km away...but unfortunately they don't do lap bands at this stage....  I was really surprised that it didn't hurt at all to get my band fill!! I had lost 1 kg since my surgery date...which he seemed happy with...I wasn't so happy...but I keep telling myself at least it was a loss! He told me that he had to repair a huge hiatus hernia...which he informed me was the reason for feeling so bloody ordinary for the first 2 weeks, and explains why my shoulder pain was so horrendous!! He said I was in theatre for nearly an hour longer than he was expecting....anyway, its all good now! And I haven't had one episode of reflux since the op...I can throw those zantac (which I would take at least 3 a day) in the bin!!

I now have 3.5 mls in my band-and feeling no different! Not able to eat quite as much...which is good...but thought I would feel more restriction, or at least less hungry???

Think I really need to start doing some exercise to boost my metabolism....on night shift for the next 2 nights as we are extremely short staffed, so maybe when I get those done, I should get started....as I really want to be at least 10 kg lighter by xmas...surely this is achievable....I CAN do it!!

Two of my favourite people, who are my cousins, but more like sisters to me were home visiting their parents on the long weekend....they didn't notice that I had lost weight....well if they did, they didn't let on....anyway, for some strange reason, I just couldn't bring myself to tell them about my banding! How come I can tell everyone at work, and most of my friends...but I couldn't tell the 2 girls closest to me???? Weird! I also haven't told my Nanna, or my Aunts and Uncles...who I am also very close to.....am I scared that they won't love me anymore....nah!
I think its that I'm worried they will be disappointed?? They are very weight conscious...and have always worked hard to lose the  kgs they put on...I think they might think I'm lazy, or extreme! I feel embarrassed to tell them....not sure why because I believe I have made the right decision!
Just trying to get my head around it!

Anyway had a lovely long weekend catching up with my favourite people and getting lots of hugs off their gorgeous children! It was very busy, but nice!
Hope all the other bandits had a fun weekend too?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Breathe and Smile :)

This was my motto today to get me to 1. go to work, and 2. to survive my day...although my day was actually 300% better than yesterday....want to know why....because my boss wasn't there!! So didn't really need my motto to get No 2 done....haha...just re-read that sentence and it sounds like I'm talking about my bowel habits!

Yesterday I had a frantically busy day at work, so much so that the 3 nursing staff (including myself) had not even had a drink of water between the hrs of 7-12noon...and it didn't look as though we were going to get one for at least another hr...so I phoned my boss (who was around in her office probably flicking emails to me -AKA "delegating"....this boss by the way had come around to our tea room not once but twice between the hrs of 9-12...and had 2 nice cups of tea....yes I was a tad envious...as my tongue stuck to the top of my mouth) to come around to the ward and give us a hand, so that at least one of us could go and stop ourselves needing an IV drip later in the day! Well she came around, and demanded to know why I was so far behind in the work.....WTF....did she think I'd been sitting at the desk filing my nails......I was so pissed off....I just had to walk away...couldn't even answer her...maybe because my mouth was to dry???
The worst of it was that she made the 2 nurses and myself feel like incompetent fools....like we were unable to manage our time properly....

I'm really disappointed in myself because I didn't speak up, and tell her how hurt I was by her comments...I mean she could see how busy we were when she sat there drinking her cups of tea, reading the local newspaper!! I need to grow some balls, and become more assertive.....because at present I'm feeling very much passive aggressive towards this woman...I can feel my insides boiling.....
This is an ongoing problem, but I feel a tad intimidated by this person...even if she only weighs as much as one of my legs!

Anyway to end this whinge session... I went home and craved sugar...ate licorice, and then drank 3/4 bottle of wine.....but God I felt soooooo much better......yep...I'm an emotional eater/alcoholic!

Sorry for boring you all....but just needed to vent!! Just wondering though if I do decide to get brave and put my pics on here can I delete this post once published???