Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My decision to get a lapband...and hopefully change my life on many levels.

Many people ask...why?

It took many factors to make my final decision to get a lapband. I had been secretly wanting to do this for approximately the last 2 yrs! It took me 18 months to broach the subject with my husband....I just didn't know how he would respond, because he has always told me that I'm beautiful...and still does. He tells me on a regular basis how much he loves me just the way I am. How could I tell him how much I hate myself ...well basically I just cried, and cried...and eventually blubbered it out, and told him about the lapband idea. His initial reaction was..."you definitely don't need to do that"....but then he disclosed to me that he knew that I haven't been truly happy for many years...and asked.."is it because of your weight"....he thought I had been falling out of love with him...OMG!! That poor guy hanging in there...through my emotional slide into weight induced depression. Anyway he agreed to come to an information session to find out about this procedure that may end up being a "miracle cure" for his wife's chronic unhappiness, and chronic low self esteem.
I was so bad at times that I would almost physically cringe when he paid me a compliment, or when he touched me...I felt unworthy of his love. I would cause an arguement over trivial shit-so that he wouldn't be nice to me! I soon realised that my weight issue was affecting my marriage in a big way...and lapband or not...I needed to deal with some of these negative emotions...otherwise one day that gorgeous husband of mine might not be there......a truly big wake up call!

Anyway, off we went to the info session.....the surgeon giving the talk went through different things that can be improved from losing weight...and the word "libido" came up after self esteem, heart health, diabetes, fitness, back pain etc...... I think my husband seen that one L word and didn't listen to another thing for the next soon as we walked out the door he said "you are ringing them tomorrow to book in!!" LOL! Well he is a male!
He has been so supportive through this process so far, he is amazing!  I know I've still got a very long way to go....but I think recognising my problems, and taking action is the first step to my new perspective on life!
So LOVE is a very big motivator.
My mother has told me from a very early age "that to love first need to learn to love yourself"....funny how I haven't worked out the meaning to that until I slow or what? But from this day forward when my hubby gives me a compliment...I'm going to say "Thankyou" instead of "please don't..."
At this stage, I'm teary, feeling quite exposed, and drained...but you know what I feel kilos lighter for sharing that info that has been bottled up for the past 5-6 yrs...maybe more! I've never told there it is reason 1 for getting a lapband!

1 comment:

  1. Your husband sounds amazing! Its so great you have such a wonderful support person as you go through these amazing changes.